I love being a sex therapist. When I am working with folks, and they gain a sense of confidence and greater relationship connections it is a total win for all of us. This often begins with perspective, education, and gaining a sense of awareness of their situation. The process usually begins with education and challenging previously held beliefs about what sex and intimacy is.
I also love words and the power of words. I often stop people mid-session to ask them what they mean about a particular word. Words have impact and can be misconstrued and cause confusion in relationships. Three words that I pay particular attention to are sensual, sexual, and erotic. I find people often assume the meanings of these words and/or use them incorrectly causing relationship confusion.
Sensual means “of the senses”. Touch. Smell. Taste. Sight. Hearing. These power senses inform us of how to make sense of the world, other people, and how safe/comfortable we should be in any situation. Sensuality is how we receive messages and have visceral reactions to them. That bad taste in your mouth? Go brush your teeth! The lights are too bright? Lower the dimmer! The aroma in the kitchen? Cravings! That backrub? Relaxation! These are all the sensual ways we move through the world.
Sexual addresses the biophysical ways our bodies function. This is more than just our genitals as our whole bodies are sexual organs. A lick on the neck can cause a quick reaction! While we are all wired differently and have different reactions within our bodies, the functionality of our entire body addresses the sexual experience. Everything from erection, lubrication, orgasm, ejaculation, rapid breathing, hardening of the nipples, muscle tension, changes in blood pressure, pelvic floor pain, menstruation, etc. are the ways our magical bodies perform the sexual functions.
Erotic is what happens “above the eyebrows”. It is how we apply meaning to the sensual and sexual reactions we are experiencing. Does the experience turn us on or off? Does it bring back a pleasant or disturbing memory? Does it tap into a fantasy? Does it take me to another place? Erotic is unique to each person. Have a foot fetish? Cool! Think feet are gross? Also cool! Each person has their own erotic template and the goal is to understand it and learn to experience it in healthy ways.
The sexy work is to learn how to put all three of these concept together so they work for you so you can communicate them to your partner. Every person has a unique sexy roadmap and they need to understand their own roadmap so they can be a great tour guide for others that are invited to explore it!
If you are exploring your sexy truths and want to know more, contact Elliott at www.drelliottk.com/contact or check out his book Couples by Intention: Creating and cultivating relationships that matter! At www.couplesbyintention.com.
