We work hard to get the job. We interview as best we can. We get the job. But, how often do we really get a good job description. I am talking about the job of partner, spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, significant other, husband, wife. More people sit in my office and say things like “S/he is just never happy…no matter what I do!” or “S/he keeps pushing me away and I don’t know why!”
Sister, sister
Many times in therapy we explore our relationship with our parents and how it affects us. Let’s face it, since parents are our role model and the people we learn to find security from, it is always intuitive to explore the relational dynamics between us and them. Not very often we talk about our siblings. There isn’t even a Sibling Day! Also, doctoral researchers have found many correlations between birth order and personality traits. And if you look into this matter, you might find yourself checking those boxes.
Having compassion even when you are hurt
That is one of the hardest things to do but it’s what it takes to get past a fight. In order to get what you need, or to have a chance at it, you need to be able to hold your spouse in compassion with yourself, while at the same time telling your spouse what your hurts are and asking for what you need.
Monogamy is like the color yellow
When I start working with a new couple or individual around relationship concerns I often begin by asking them what their relationship goals are. Most, but not all, will tell me that they are just looking for a nice, loving, monogamous relationship. They say that like I am supposed to know what that means — and I don’t. Not that I am clueless, but rather because I know that there is more than one meaning to the word monogamous.
Marriage Vows to Furrowed Brows – Married to ADHD
The healing of a marriage worn by ADHD is a steady and concerted effort for the hopeless spouse and those who support him/her. The non-ADHD spouse learns how to communicate his/her needs more clearly, recognize behaviors of ADHD, and master techniques of organization and cooperation in new ways that work better for both spouses. In the process, hopeless spouses who stick with it learn a lot about themselves.
Stop… No, really. STOP!
We all have conflicts, and the closer the person, the more intense the conflict. In fact it’s in our closest relationships, with husbands, wives, and children, that our conflicts can become pretty painful fights. At their worst, those fights repeat over and over again in a pattern that becomes a nasty fight cycle. Couples often come to me when they’re stuck at this point. They want to change but it’s really hard at this point for them to do it on their own.