There are so many times that I am sitting with a couple who are in distress, feeling unheard and struggling through difficult communication. They unintentionally are making the process so much harder for themselves. I can see them getting stuck in the who is right argument and discounting the reality that there can be more than one truth. This is where a small shift can make a big difference!
One of my favorite things about working with men is talking about manhood. Really understanding where their definition of manhood was developed and how it is present in their everyday life. This conversation is really interesting as most men are thinking about this for the first time.
Often, people in my office get confused about what they are feeling. When asked to name the feeling they are experiencing, they often name one of four buckets of feelings: Glad, Sad, Mad, and Anxious. Every feeling we have gets thrown into one of those four generalized buckets. Then, the same people start to get frustrated when their partners don’t understand the feeling or why they are experiencing it.
There has been a common theme going in much of the work I have been doing with couples of late. I am hearing folks coming in talking about how their partner responds to them in a way that makes them feel emotionally assaulted. Often, these couples are well intentioned, loving, and looking for connection but for some reason they are having arguments that do not make sense.
Every relationship has a unique storyline. Like the greatest romances of our day, there is an arc from the first meeting to dramatic denouement. We grow thinking that adult relationships begin with an air of mystery and intrigue, survive through milestones and hardships before drifting into the happily ever after – until they don’t.
We work hard to get the job. We interview as best we can. We get the job. But, how often do we really get a good job description. I am talking about the job of partner, spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, significant other, husband, wife. More people sit in my office and say things like “S/he is just never happy…no matter what I do!” or “S/he keeps pushing me away and I don’t know why!”