Every year, I try to find my “word of the year”. It is a ritual that helps me to maintain focus, build resiliency, and find my path forward. In years past, my words have included: intention, curiosity, boundaries, and balance. Each of these words have become so incorporated into my being, my practice, and my perspective that every decision I make is rooted in these concepts.
In a 15th century poem attributed to James I of Scotland, Cupid has three arrows: gold, for a gentle “smiting” that is easily cured; the more compelling silver; and steel, for a love-wound that never heals. Indeed, romance, rancor and revenge often comprise the trilogy of arrows in the quivers of our impassioned clients as well.
A week ago my front door broke and it was the best thing ever! It reminded me of an important lesson that had slipped through the cracks of the daily hustle of modern life – more about that in a second…
I play many roles in my life. Partner, father, therapist, teacher, business owner to name a few. These roles keep me very busy and I often feel the crushing weight of responsibility on me. Normally I manage it well and focus on meaningful self-care and attachment to positive people (just as I tell my patients to do!). I am intentional and mindful of what I need to do to ensure that I am meeting the many requirements that are put on me.
Six months ago, my 8 years old niece announced that she wanted to learn how to sew. Every one of us became so excited about it because rarely does she declare an interest or passion for something that is new to her. Her dad went out and bought her a sewing machine, luckily he has some basic skills with sewing and he taught her the basics. For the next three months after that, she watched YouTube videos of sewing and will tell me who her favorite seamstress is. She will even tell me what thread colors she had bought, and so on. However, I had never seen her attempt to make anything.
When I work with couples, one of the earliest things we do is look at how we communicate. We begin with the basics of starting to look at our words and tone so that we can hear and understand each other. As we get deeper into our process we begin to look at something far more challenging, and potentially more destructive than our words. We begin to look at our assumptions.