I often will ask people basic questions very early on in my work with them, “So, how did you learn about sex? Who taught you?” The answers I get back are usually akin to “My friends.” “Nobody taught me, I learned by myself.” “TV, the Internet, porn.” “Experimentation”. Then I ask, “What messages did you get about sex?” The answers to that question are more widespread and diverse. Some are positive. Some are negative. Some are accurate. Some are not!
How do we open our minds and our hearts to willingly let someone new into our romantic lives? How do we know if the person we choose is actually genuine, loving, and respectful? How can we assure ourselves that we won’t get hurt?
Every relationship has a unique storyline. Like the greatest romances of our day, there is an arc from the first meeting to dramatic denouement. We grow thinking that adult relationships begin with an air of mystery and intrigue, survive through milestones and hardships before drifting into the happily ever after – until they don’t.
My dog is in training to be a therapy dog. Marcel is a natural- he’s gentle, sweet, and at 11lbs, he was bred to be a lap dog. Though I’ve only brought him to the office with me for a few weeks now, clients immediately notice when he isn’t there and ask with notable disappointment, “Where’s Marcel?” I don’t take it personally, rather, I understand.
I’m a social introvert. That may seem like an oxymoron, but it’s not. I love alone time, I love people time, and I need both. Introversion is not synonymous with timidity or keeping to oneself, as popular culture often views it. Rather, people who are introverted tend to turn inward and focus on internal thoughts and feelings to re-energize and come back to their center. Their extroverted counterparts, on the other hand, tend to seek out external stimulation to re-energize and engage. Case in point: the next time you are at a holiday party or work event, take note of the people who actively mingle versus the small groups of two or three people chatting in a quiet corner of the room. Extroverts and introverts, respectively!
In the fall, I attended a conference on couples therapy where I heard a speaker wonder if he, as a couples therapist, helped a couple stay together in a relationship that should have ended? It’s a good question. I wonder about that from time to time as well, but I have a hard time thinking of a moment when I would tell a couple that they should do anything. It feels heavy-handed to me.